The Chronicle
Latest dispatches
18 results across all types
- news
June 24: World UFO Day
It's World UFO Day. June 24th was chosen because on this day in 1947, aviator Kenneth Arnold witnessed nine unidentified flying objects performing acrobatic stunts near Mt. Rainier. For the first time, such an event would be widely reported, and the UFO spotting craze was on. So, is there a link between UFO sightings and drinking? There may be. According to a 2014 report which examined the 90,000 reported UFO sightings in the last 40 years, they tended to spike on Fridays during what we'll call "The Drinking Hours." The study tries to suggest that imbibing makes people hallucinate, which as any experienced drinker knows, is nonsense. What's much more likely is that after a few drinks, as we lift ourselves out of our workaday shells and raise our eyes upward and outward, we become more open-minded and sensitive to data that our straight-jacketed sober minds would suppress with rigid doubt and disbelief. So keep your eyes skyward, drunkards!
- news
June 23: Sun Quan Tells Them How It Is
On this day in 229, Sun Quan proclaimed himself emperor of Eastern Wu. There you go. That's what went down on June 23rd. That Sun Quan, he was all like, "Hey I'm proclaiming," and people were like, "You sure about that?" and he was like, "Yeah, I'm sure, and if you don't like it, go on down to the Eastern Wu Bar and Grille and cry into your rice wine." See, this is why drunk people shouldn't be allowed to do these. I mean, they just grab the first thing that they see and, you know, just blurt it out. Then try to attach some significance. But still, that Sun Quan, I have to salute the guy. I bet he was fun to get loaded with. And if you don't think his proclamation is worth a reason to drink, let me tell you something: I'll bet the people living in Eastern Wu in the 3rd century thought it was plenty significant. The people over in Western Wu might have thought so too, considering he was most likely planning on invading them. Just guessing, but I wouldn't put anything past ol' Sun Quan.
- news
June 22: Galileo Recants
On this day in 1633, The Catholic Church put the arm on Galileo Galilei and persuaded him to recant his wild idea about the Earth going around the Sun instead of visa versa. Galileo was going around saying things like, and I quote, "The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of wine grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do." Unquote. But the science was settled, the Holy Office assured him, so he was placed under house arrest for the rest of his life. He'd eventually be pardoned, three and a half centuries down the line. So, you're probably wondering, did this brilliant Italian scientist, astronomer, mathematician and physicist have any theories about wine? He did, and I quote, “Wine is sunlight, held together by water.” He was probably being metaphorical. Or maybe not.
- news
June 21: Father’s Day
It's Father's Day. You know, there seems to be some confusion as to what fathers want to do on Father's Day. There's this idea that we want to eat in fancy restaurants, participate in enforced "fun" activities with our children, and perhaps gather with other fathers to communally sip craft beers that might have a fruit as their primary flavor. That the day must be meticulously planned and executed according to a rigid schedule. It's as if somewhere along the line, Father's Day was kitted out with a silk scarf and a clipboard. It became a chore, an ordeal, a reflection of Mother's Day. What we fathers really want is something much more primitive, pagan, atavistic. We want to randomly wander through the day with heavy glass in hand, ever brimmed-up with powerful brown liquors, with no plan whatsoever except to breathe in the primal scent of large chunks of raw animal flesh being seared on local fires. We want our children in sight and perhaps even running amok, as proof of our unimpeacha
- news
June 12: Scotch Whisky Arrives
On this day in 1495, Friar John Cor, a Tironensian monk at the Lindores Abbey in Fife, Scotland began distilling the first documented batch of Scotch whisky. He'd received royal permission and a load of malt from King James the Fourth 11 days prior, and the good monk jumped right in. As Scotland lacked vineyards, they used grains, hence whisky instead of brandy. No one's perfectly sure how distilling found its way to Scotland, but it should be noted the monks at the Lindores Abbey were known to practice alchemy. There's also a strong argument that far-ranging Irish monks brought the practice home from the continent then, after developing their own version of whiskey, eventually passed it on to their Scottish kin. It was initially marketed in Scotland as a powerful medicine, providing relief from a wide variety of ailments, including being cold, sober, thirsty or under attack by the English.
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June 11: Alexander the Great Leaps Off This Mortal Coil
On this day in 323 B.C., Alexander the Great, King of Macedonia, Hegemon of the Hellenic League, Pharaoh of Egypt, King of Persia, Lord of Asia, conqueror of most of the known world, undefeated military leader and full-bore drunkard, died in the Babylonian palace of Nebuchadnezzar II at the age of 32. It was long held that guzzling copious amounts of wine during a two-day drink-up did Alex in, but lately historians have been poking holes in that theory. Alexander drank heroically during his entire adult life and it seems unlikely that a mini-bender would suddenly lay the great man so low. More likely he was poisoned. After feeling sick for a week and a half, Alexander tried one last desperate maneuver to overcome whatever malady was gripping him. He knocked back a massive bowl of wine in a single go. And while it had often worked to defeat his many hangovers, this time it came up short and Alex ascended toward Elysium. Or perhaps, since he'd declared himself a god, he fast-tracked righ
- news
June 10: A.A. Is Founded
On this day in 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith in Akron, Ohio. You know, a lot of people naturally think that this magazine is aligned against A.A., that we consider them enemies, but it isn't true. The Friends of Bill, the purists anyway, are generally live-and-let-live types. It's in their doctrine. They don't hate drinkers and are generally willing to let us do our thing. And let's face it, some people are terrible at drinking, they really can't handle the lifestyle, and we sure as blazes don't want them in the bar, dragging down our good time. I'd much rather have them at a meeting in a basement, smoking a cigarette and solemnly and grossly exaggerating their former drinking prowess. True story: On his deathbed, Mr Wilson is said to have demanded a drink, just one last one for the road, but those bedside, fearful of damaging his legacy, wouldn't give him one. I mean, there he was, their dying king in repose, making one final request, and all
- news
June 7: Dean Martin’s Birthday
It's Dean Martin's birthday. Born Dino Paul Crocetti in Steubenville, Ohio in 1917, Dean was the very epitome of the suave drinker. He did it all: he crooned, he acted, he did comedy, he was a bootlegger, he dealt blackjack in a speakeasy, he boxed, he was a key member of the Rat Pack, he hosted highly successful shows on TV for 20 straight years. And he drank heroically all the while and, what's more, he made it look easy. After he ascended to the Great Lounge in the Sky in 1995, the people he was least likely to drink with, namely his children and Jerry Lewis, tried to discount Dino's boozing prowess. But those he did drink with, namely the Rat Pack and assorted other carousers, said Dean, as Frank put it, was the Captain of their Olympic Drinking Team. True story: When the great man died, the lights of the Vegas Strip were dimmed in his honor. And rightfully so.
- news
June 4: Socrates’ Birthday
It's Socrates’ Birthday. Born in 469 BC, the Greek philosopher died 70 years later when a trial didn't go his way and he was ordered to drink a glass of hemlock. But before he got around to that last draught, he did manage to get into some wine. How much? Well, let's just say he had a complicated relationship with the vine. In one breath he would tell people, in a loud and sometimes drunken voice, that he could take or leave the vino. Then in the next, he would swear that he could outdrink anyone at anytime and never even act drunk. He liked to say that his challengers, as they rolled about in a stupor at his feet, would look up and think him a statue, because he stood up so unwaveringly straight. Just untouched by the stuff. And if you didn't believe him, well, why didn't you just break out an amphora of the good stuff and let's see what's what? It was also reported that Socrates rarely paid for his own wine, and it's not hard to see how.
- news
May 31: Clint Eastwood’s Birthday
It's Clint Eastwood’s Birthday. Born in 1930, The Man With No Name, as he was called, or not called, in Sergio Leone's excellent series of Westerns, is still hard at it, directing and acting in an ever-growing anthology of films. So, did Dirty Harry like a drink? He did and does, though not on the same level as say, John Wayne or Lee Marvin. But then, few did. His gun-slinging characters knocked back a lot of whiskey but in real life Clint's generally a wine and beer guy, and to prove it he owned a pub for nearly 27 years, namely the Boar's Breath in Carmel-by-the-Sea, and released a microbrew called Pale Rider Ale back in the 1990s.
- news
May 24: Queen Victoria’s Birthday
It's Queen Victoria's birthday. Born in 1819, she served as the regent of Great Britain and Ireland for 63 years. That's a long time to be the CEO of an Empire. So, you're probably wondering, did the Queen like a tipple or two? She did, though she didn't have the same tastes as the commoners. She didn't have the same tastes as anyone. Her favorite drink, and I have to give her props for this, was half red wine and half single malt scotch. We'll just call it the Queen Victoria Cocktail because I don't think anyone else will touch it. She also liked scotch and sodas, various wines and even the occasional beer. Top quote: "Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them." She put this theory into practice, allotting each of her household servants eight pints of beer a day. True story: Every year the Lochnagar Distillery delivered a unique barrel of Scotch whisky specifically tailored to Victoria's tastes. It's good to be Queen.
- news
No. 22
Schlitz Gets the Viking Funeral It Deserves After 177 years, Schlitz is finally getting the dignified exit it deserves. This weekend, on May 23, Wisconsin Brewing Company will brew the final batch of Schlitz — an 80-barrel run using the classic 1948 recipe from the brand’s absolute peak. The beer will hit shelves in limited […]
- news
May 22: Sherlock Holmes Day
It's Sherlock Holmes Day. Why today? Because the master detective's creator, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, was born on this day in 1859 in Edinburgh, Scotland. If your a fan of the Holmes stories, you may know that Sherlock was a bit of a sybarite, indulging in stimulative chemicals, pipe tobacco, and booze. He possessed a wide palate when it came to drinking, showing an appreciation for beer, wine, brandy and whisky. But what about Sir Arthur? Did the man behind the legend like a drink? He did. He started drinking port, claret and beer in his early teens while in boarding school and expanded from there. In fact, if you examine his memoirs, it appears Conan merely passed his own drinking and smoking habits to Sherlock. Write about what you know, a wise man once said, and Conan took this sage advice to heart.
- news
May 18: The Anniversary of the Khodynka Tragedy
Today is the anniversary of the Khodynka Tragedy. 1,389 people were trampled to death in a park in Moscow during the coronation celebrations of Russian Tsar Nicholas II in 1896. The tragedy served to make the Russian people think the reign of Nicholas II was cursed and eroded the public trust to the degree it made it that much easier for the Bolsheviks to seize power in 1917. So, what happened? Well, typically during coronation celebrations, the new Tsar lays a bunch of free stuff on the celebrators, particularly beer and pretzels. All well and good, I personally think our elected leaders should do the same, but this time, false rumors began spreading through the huge crowd, saying there weren't enough pretzels and beer to go around, causing a mass panic and deadly trampling. So, what's the lesson here? If you're going to throw a shindig, always make sure the beer and pretzels are right up front, so no one gets the idea to freak out and start stepping on people.
- news
May 13: Day Three of American Craft Beer Week
It's hump day for American Craft Beer Week. Before you start thinking, "What, those beer snobs get a whole week?" let me lay something on you. Now, it's easy to take for granted America's 6,000 breweries, but I can remember when there were only a handful of massive beer factories cranking out very similar lagers, aside from a few mind-bending mutants like Lowenbrau Dark. The craft beer explosion is a true American Dream story. When you consider the amount of red tape and bureaucracy the pioneers of the movement had to hack through, then the hard fight of getting American's to grow their stunted palates, then the rapid growth of new breweries, many of them started on shoestring budgets: it's quite simply astonishing. Not only have we replaced all the breweries killed by Prohibition, we've handily surpassed that number. In this age of corporate consolidation and ever-growing mega-companies, the craft beer revolution is very nearly a miracle. Much more than most companies, they've been ba
- news
May 12: Limerick Day
It's Limerick Day. Technically speaking, a proper limerick is a sometimes funny, sometimes poignant, sometimes obscene verse of five lines, in which the first, second, and fifth lines rhyme with each other, and the third and fourth lines, which are shorter, form a rhymed couplet. They're not as popular as they used to be, mostly due to the fact we live in an uptight politically correct age and most limericks were aggressively politically incorrect. A lot of famous writers have taken a crack at them, including Shakespeare. Here are two of his: And let me the canakin clink, clink. And let me the canakin clink. A soldier's a man, A life's but a span, Why then not let a soldier drink. And: Come, thou monarch of vine, Plumpy Bacchus with pink eye! Our cares be drowned, With grapes we're crowned, And so cup us till the world go round.
- news
May 11: Baron Munchhausen’s Birthday
It's Baron Munchhausen's Birthday. Now, if you've read the books or watched the movie, you probably think Munchhausen is a fictional character, especially considering the highly improbable adventures he got up to. In fact, the real Baron Von Munchhausen, upon whose stories the fiction was based, was born on this day in 1720. He was a German cavalry officer who served in the Russian Imperial Army against the Turks. Upon retirement, he spent the next 30 years getting drunk at aristocrat dinner parties and reciting highly-exaggerated tales of his adventures in Russia. He became so well known for his drinking stories that writer Rudolf Erich Raspe gathered and further exaggerated his adventures in a series of books, which quickly went viral, partly because Raspe placed this encouragement on the front cover, "Humbly dedicated and recommended to Country Gentlemen; and, if they please, to be repeated as their own . . . in Watering Places, and other such polite Assemblies, around the bottle an
- news
May 10: Mother’s Day
It's Mother's Day. Get her a bottle of something nice. Maybe she'll share it with you. It's what mothers do.